Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Bankruptcy of DOMA

News for the Week Ended June 15, 2011
BY ANN ROSTOW


The Bankruptcy of DOMA

You probably read that Judge James Ware promptly threw cold water on the idea that his predecessor, Judge Vaughn Walker, should have recused himself from presiding over the Prop 8 trial due to his sexual orientation. But you know what? That’s a non-story, a totally predictable response to a totally ridiculous suggestion from the Prop 8 proponents.

Yet my email box is filled with excited reports from various activist and media groups trumpeting this “news.“ Now, there’s nothing particularly wrong with that except for the fact that I have zero emails on a huge marriage story that broke the previous day, Monday.

Hello activists and GLBT media? Get with the program!

In a ruling joined by 19 out of 23 other federal bankruptcy judges in central California (a virtually unprecedented development) LA-based Judge Thomas B. Donovan has issued an opinion calling the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional. Bankruptcy judges don’t normally issue constitutional decisions, and their district colleagues don’t usually sign on to their opinions en masse.

But that’s not the only remarkable thing about this case, which concerns two California men who are trying to hit the financial reset button after a stretch of bad luck, medical bills and unemployment.

You know of course that the House Republicans, led by their hired gun, appellate lawyer Paul Clement, are trying to support the Defense of Marriage Act in courts around the country. In this case, they asked the court for a delay in order to consider their options. The court agreed, but heard nothing for weeks, and the case continued without their input.

Is it possible that Paul Clement and company are juggling so many DOMA cases that the balls are dropping? I think they have a dozen or so, but I can’t keep track. For example, I have no idea how many joint bankruptcy cases are flowing through the system, but I can tell you that this is the third case in recent months in which a federal bankruptcy judge has ruled in favor of same-sex couples and Paul Clement has been nowhere in sight.

Unlike Judge Donovan, the previous two bankruptcy judges did not reach a conclusion on the constitutional status of DOMA. Judge Donovan’s ruling by contrast, not only slammed DOMA, but also agreed with the Obama administration that antigay discrimination should trigger heightened legal scrutiny.

Donovan took guidance from an under-reported Ninth Circuit decision, the 2008 ruling in favor of discharged nurse Margaret Witt, which essentially required the U.S. government to show some cause when dismissing a gay or lesbian servicemember under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Few people noticed at the time that the brand new Obama administration declined to appeal the Witt ruling, allowing the deadline for review to expire in early 2009. That was extremely helpful!

In theory, Paul Clement’s only choice would be to appeal Judge Donovan’s ruling to, you guessed it, the aforementioned U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. But not surprisingly, a spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner told the New York Times that Clement and the House would let the ruling stand.

“Bankruptcy cases are unlikely to provide the path to the Supreme Court, where we imagine the question of constitutionality will ultimately be decided,” Brendan Buck told the Times. “Obviously, we believe the statute is constitutional in all its applications, including bankruptcy, but effectively defending it does not require the House to intervene in every case, especially when doing so would be prohibitively expensive.”

In truth, a bankruptcy case would be the perfect vehicle to bring a DOMA case to the Supreme Court, for our side that is.

When you think about marriage cases, you think of the broad theoretical constitutional arguments on equal protection and due process that pit lovely hard working same-sex couples against the stern moralists on the Christian right. You don’t think about individual bankruptcy cases, where the impact of a judge’s decision usually extends to two people and a few banks or credit card companies.

I mean, really. We’re in a generational fight for civil rights and equality here!

Yet arguably, these bankruptcy cases pinpoint the profound flaws of anti-marriage laws with a precision that eludes our grander areas of litigation.

You have a married couple, with two incomes, joint assets, a mortgage, some loans, whatever. Some in one person’s name, some in another. Both individuals want to restructure their debt. All creditors want to work out a deal. Bankruptcy after all, whatever your views on the subject, is an important lifeline for any family that falls into financial rapids, and I don’t believe anyone has argued that “bankruptcy is a God given relief for one man and one woman.”

It is virtually impossible to untangle the knotted finances of a long-term couple, require both of them to pay separate filing fees and to calculate exactly how to split their debts and assets for the purposes of bankruptcy. On the other hand, a joint filing is a routine procedure. That’s why we’ve seen three courts toss the Defense of Marriage Act in the circular file when it comes to gay bankruptcy. And it’s worth noting that they’ve been given the courage to ignore federal law by the Obama administration’s legal rejection of DOMA last February.

Hey, I’ve been ignoring bankruptcy cases personally, because, well, they seem boring compared to the Prop 8 case or the Massachusetts DOMA challenge. But I think I’ve been wrong. DOMA has been given a black eye from not just one, but 20 federal bankruptcy judges all punching back at this despicable law. And by not appealing Judge Donovan’s ruling, the House Republicans have effectively thrown in the towel on enforcing the Defense of Marriage Act in at least one legal arena.

One down, 1,038 to go. Or whatever that number might be. I always forget.
--


The Buck Stops Where?

I must say I was struck by one comment from Brendan Buck to the New York Times. What was it again? Oh yes. Defending DOMA “does not require the House to intervene in every case, especially when doing so would be prohibitively expensive.”

This brings up two other issues. First, and briefly, it’s not clear where John Boehner will acquire the half million dollars he has pledged to Paul Clement in payment for Clement and company’s DOMA work.

No, it’s not a lot of money. But it has to come from somewhere, and it has not been appropriated for the purpose of defending DOMA by a vote in the House. Boehner claims he will get the Justice Department to hand over the sum in question, but the Justice Department has flatly refused. The House lawyers have their own budget of something between one and two million dollars, but that money is already allocated to salaries.

A lot of people are keeping a close eye on this money question, so Boehner will not be able to sneak a little cash out of some slush fund. He’ll have to find a transparent and legal payment method before Clement’s first invoice hits his desk.

But here’s the more interesting question. What does the Speaker’s spokesman mean when he says the House will not “intervene in every case?”

Taking him at his word, it seems to mean that a number of DOMA challenges will go undefended. Bankruptcy cases for sure. But what else? You can’t defend DOMA in one or two instances, while federal courts around the country rack up anti-DOMA precedents. So perhaps the House plans to “let” a few federal judges rule in our favor without appeal, effectively stranding pro-gay decisions in federal court districts.

Legally it’s a dangerous game for their side, because eventually DOMA must exist or not exist as a federal policy. You can’t have gay bankruptcy legal in central California, but not central Texas. You can’t have federal marriage benefits authorized for gay couples in Oakland, but not in Chicago. Or at least common sense says that such situations are not sustainable. And if numerous cracks are allowed to develop in the wall against marriage recognition, it bodes ill for the wall rather than the cracks.
--


New York? No Way!

Okay everyone. It’s time to talk about New York.

Loyal readers recall that I have superstitiously declined to report on legislative efforts to pass marriage equality in New York state? Why? Because my optimism has been a jinx in the past. Whenever I blather on about how close we are to a marriage bill in Albany, some depressing turn of affairs derails our progress.

Earlier this year, I managed the same feat in Maryland, where marriage equality was a virtual certainty until I started crowing about in these pages and it died an ignominious and inexplicable death thanks to me.

Under the circumstances, I should just keep quiet. But I’m supposed to be telling you about the major GLBT news of the week, and one of the biggest pieces of news is the fact that we have now secured five out of the last six senate votes we need for success in New York.

The session ends sometime next week (I think. I should look it up, but it’s really soon) and a vote is expected on Friday if the Republican head of the senate decides to let the bill come to the floor. I gather the Republican caucus is having a meeting on the subject right this very minute (ie: Wednesday afternoon).

The outcome may depend on whether the marriage bill includes really strict religious exemptions. Religious exemptions, which generally mean that homophobes aren’t required by law to conduct a same-sex marriage, have never really bothered me. I mean, who wants to have their wedding in an anti-gay church with a hate-filled minister snarling vows in your face? Plus, religions have always been free to impose their own rules on marriage.

The exemptions become problematic, however, when they open the door to any and all gay-based discrimination. For example, allowing bakeries or photographers to decline gay wedding business. Then again, I wouldn’t hire a mean photographer, and I suppose I’d rather let a banquet hall decline my wedding than lose the right to have a wedding in the first place.

That said, it’s annoying that lawmakers would bend over backwards to facilitate prejudice, or um “firmly held religious beliefs” as we like to call them.

In conclusion, I think it’s really really doubtful that we’ll get the last senate vote for marriage equality in New York. It’ll never happen. No way, Jose. You read it here first. While everyone else was holding their breath with excitement at the real possibility that New York would finally become the sixth state to legalize marriage, I told you it wouldn’t happen. They probably won’t even vote on it. If they do, we’ll lose. Honestly, I don’t even care what happens over there. I’m not even following it.
--


Lesbian Men

Finally, can you believe that the “Gay Girl in Damascus” blogger turned out to be a white heterosexual middle-aged American man living in Scotland named Tom MacMasters? Say what?

No sooner had we registered our communal shock at the news, did we learn that “Paula Brooks,” the lesbian founder of Lez Get Real, was in fact a 58-year-old straight retired construction worker, Bill Graber from Ohio. Graber himself pretended at times to being “Paula’s” father, speaking for her because Paula was deaf.

There was no collusion between the two men, nor did either of them realize the other was a fellow imposter.

Bizarrely, Graber’s blog provided a forum for MacMasters, and the two fakers even had an online flirtation of sorts. Indeed, MacMasters conducted an entire online relationship with a real lesbian from Canada, who thought she was going on a romantic trip with her “gay girl” in the near future. As you know, the gay girl charade fell apart two weeks ago when MacMasters, pretending to be a fictitious cousin, announced that his alter ego had been kidnapped at gunpoint by Syrian thugs. I suppose the story was an effort to extract himself from the lie, but it only served to draw suspicion to the five-month-old website.

I’m not sure how or why Paula Brooks was exposed, but I think it had something to do with the Tom MacMasters fallout. Before she was outed, “Paula” wrote that she was “heartbroken” over MacMaster’s deception. Talk about chutzpah. Both individuals are now bleating about their good intentions, but you know what? They’re dishonest, period. Cyberspace is not an integrity-free zone.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Mystery Surrounds Missing Syrian Blogger

News for the Week Ended June 8, 2011
BY ANN ROSTOW


Mystery Surrounds Missing Syrian Blogger

Has the Syrian-American blogger of “Gay Girl In Damascus” been kidnapped? On Monday, the blogger’s cousin wrote that Amina Abdallah Araf had been snatched on the street, and thrown into a car by three armed men on her way to meet some activists. A month or so earlier, Amina had blogged about a confrontation between her father and some government thugs, who came to the house to arrest her but were later convinced to leave. Amina, who was allegedly born in Virginia to an American mother and a Syrian father, had been in hiding since that incident.

Yet there may be something strange going on. The photos of Amina on Facebook and elsewhere in the press are actually shots of a London-based woman named Jelena Lecic, who saw her own picture in the Guardian and called the newspaper.

Further, it seems as if no one has actually met Amina, including her close friend, a Canadian woman named Sandra Baragia, who tells the press that she and Amina have only exchanged emails. No one in the press has been able to reach a family member, or confirm the details of Amina’s abduction.

But look. Someone has been writing “Gay Girl in Damascus” since it started in February. And someone wrote Amina’s earlier blog back in 2007. Maybe Amina used Lecic’s photo for anonymity. Maybe she didn’t like her own image. Or maybe “Gay Girl in Damascus” is written by a 60-something man or an articulate ten-year-old. I’m just saying that someone wrote it, and for all we know that person was kidnapped.

Or not.

As far as I’m concerned, I’d rather believe the kidnap story and be wrong than sit around badmouthing “Amina” for the faux photo while she’s being tortured or raped by Syrian henchmen. Plus, she has a theoretical mother in Virginia, or at least from Virginia. Can someone not track this woman down and shed some light on the situation?

I just hope whoever was writing the blog is okay.
--


Men Behaving Badly

I probably read too many trashy thrillers, but there was one detail about that last story that caught my eye. Amina and Sandra were supposed to go on a trip together in the near future. Given that Amina presumably does not resemble her picture, is it possible that she disappeared rather than meet Sandra face-to-face? (Cue: First nine notes of Bach’s Tocata in D minor or whatever. You know the one.)

Before we move on to GLBTLMNOQ news, can we all agree that there are a lot of childish grown men making headlines for themselves these days? I mean, WTF?

Don’t get me wrong. Maturity is not synonymous with sober, prudent behavior. You can be mature and wild and crazy at the same time, a combination that many of us seek to perfect, like the ingredients of a fine cocktail. But sexting boyish boasts and sending pictures of your knickers to online strangers when you’re a member of Congress?

I can’t help wondering why Anthony Weiner didn’t strip off the briefs and bare all to his naughty cyber friends. Did Mr. Fancy Pants think that nudity would be “going too far” and that he should be using a little discretion? What. A. Moron.

And I’ve also been listening to earnest debates about whether or not racy correspondence counts as “cheating.”

Hello? You either have a spouse who loves you and is fundamentally honest about your marriage and your life together, or you don’t. You cannot parse profound infidelity. In some cases, extramarital sex could be nothing more than a forgivable error of judgment. In other cases, a faithful marriage of decades could be one long emotional lie. Vocabulary really doesn't enter into it.
--


‘Til Wyoming Do Us Part

In legal news this week, there was an interesting ruling out of the Wyoming Supreme Court, where justices unanimously reversed a lower court and gave the green light to a same-sex divorce. The two women seeking to end their marriage were wed in Canada in 2008. A lower court had issued the typical antigay decision, ruling that since same-sex marriage wasn’t recognized in the Cheney State, a same-sex divorce was similarly out of the question.

But Wyoming is one of those states that has yet to pass a draconian anti-marriage amendment. True, gay couples can’t get married in the state, but as the high court said in its (unanimous) five-page opinion, there’s no reason why a same-sex marriage can’t be formally severed in Wyoming, much as state courts had previously dissolved common law marriages that would not have been honored under Wyoming law.

The court made clear that its ruling would have no impact on marriage itself, only on divorce. But it’s true as well that allowing a same-sex divorce is indeed a back door way of recognizing a same-sex marriage. There’s no need for a divorce if you’re not married to begin with, right? Did I mention that the court was unanimous?

There’s also another ruling in our favor in a joint bankruptcy case. Do you remember that we talked about a joint bankruptcy case in New York a few weeks ago?

No?

Color me not surprised. These bankruptcy cases are the Tim Pawlentys of DOMA law. Still, every day that a judge takes a look at the Defense of Marriage Act and rolls his or her eyes is a good day for our side.

This time, New York law professor Art Leonard informs us, a California couple wanted to start over and had nearly completed their joint filing when the government agent filed a motion asking the bankruptcy court to stop the proceedings based on the Defense of Marriage Act. The couple, married in the 2008 window of opportunity, were not separating like the couple in the New York story which you’ve forgotten all about. So the notion of splitting them up into two legal entities and trying to mess around with the unnecessary complications that would entail did not pass muster with the court.

Bankruptcy cases don’t stir the heart like bi-national couples or sad widows. But they serve as an example of the myriad problems we encounter as a society when we try to treat a married couple, with all their intricate shared legal and personal connections, as if they were single strangers under the law.

And what the anti-marriage crusaders forget is that we are married. Even when we can’t tie a legal knot, we get married anyway, have children, share bank accounts, buy houses together, shop together, rack up debt and assets together and create a shared life that no constitutional amendment can force back into separate fields. Banning recognition of these realities doesn’t keep gay couples apart. It just makes life difficult for everyone involved, from bankruptcy judges to corporate employers to divorce courts to bank lenders, funeral homes, hospital staff, mortgage companies, school officials and who knows who else? No wonder the rest of society is getting sick of this nonsense.
--


The Ick Factor

So, did you read about the glass staircase in the new Columbus courthouse that opened this week?

Can you believe an architect would put a glass staircase in a public building? But worse, can you believe that out of the hundred or two hundred or how ever many people who checked the blueprints and approved the expense, not one of them would wonder how a woman in a dress or skirt would be able to use those stairs?

And while I was researching this provocative design feature, I couldn’t help but notice that an ice cream store in Columbia, Missouri whipped up a batch of cicada ice cream, made from insects collected by the employees in their back yards.

According to the Associated Press, the staff of Sparky’s Homemade Ice Cream ripped the wings off the iconic insects, boiled the bodies and covered them in brown sugar and milk chocolate to make a base for the confection. The cicada ice cream went on sale June 1 and was quickly sold out. Public health officials issued a statement of disapproval, but stopped short of banning future production.

Sorry, that’s just gross. And yes, there are people who will eat insects. But indeed, there are people who will eat anything, now aren’t there? Does that make it right? Shave your cat and throw the fur into a stew pot with half a chicken and some carrots and people will eat it. Toss the old sponge from under the sink into the blender with some rum and orange juice and it’s party time somewhere.

Just sayin’.
--


Ware’s the Prop 8 Case?

I’ve been ignoring a hearing date in the Prop 8 case, because it’s just not an interesting story. Not like cicada ice cream or glass staircases at any rate.

Next Monday, Judge James Ware, who inherited the lower court jurisdiction for the Prop 8 case after Judge Vaughn Walker retired, will consider whether or not Judge Walker should have recused himself from hearing the Prop 8 case because he was (and is) in a gay relationship.

Newsflash! The answer is no, and there’s no way Judge Ware will come to any other conclusion. Please. Only straight judges can hear gay civil rights cases? Only men can judge women? Only whites can judge blacks?

Judge Ware will also consider a motion to bar public release of any of the video coverage of the trial. Naturally, that motion comes from the losers who reportedly looked foolish and absurd throughout the proceedings.

Suffice to say that nothing much is happening with this case. As you know, the litigation went off into the wilderness last year after the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit asked the California Supreme Court to mull over a question of standing under state law for the indefinite future. Once the California court produces an opinion, the Ninth Circuit will return to its deliberations and may well end up tossing the Prop 8 appeal on technical grounds.

That would be fine with me. Prop 8 would be dead, and marriage would resume in California. As for the rest of the country, we have half a dozen direct challenges to the Defense of Marriage Act in progress. But these seem bogged down a bit as courts wait for filings from the U.,S. House of Representatives. I suppose I could look up the exact status of all these cases, but since nothing significant is happening right this week, I don’t see the point.

Mel just made me a “Southern Fly,” which consists of “spring water” and Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka with a twist. I’m not sure she actually used “spring water,” but the result is not half bad. We are officially on summer vacation, because she is a high school teacher, and we acquired a large plastic pool from Academy for $29.00 for the season. Life is good.

Now that I think about it, I’m sure she did not use “spring water.” I did not see her with a bucket, and plus, there are no “springs” in our neighborhood and as such, we rely on the kitchen sink or the refrigerator for water.
--


The End is Nigh

So let’s see what else is going on. Or, considering that this column is almost over, let’s see some of the stories we ignored this week.

The end of the military ban is slowly approaching, emphasis on slowly. The House version of the Defense Appropriations bill includes some amendments aimed at delaying the repeal of Don’t Ask, but they will probably be killed by the Senate. We are still waiting for “certification” by the President and the Defense Secretary that repeal will not interfere with military readiness. After that we will wait a couple of months more for no reason and then Don’t Ask will be dead.

Someone actually got discharged from the Air Force under Don’t Ask recently, but apparently it was a service member who was begging to leave.

The Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond pulled the rainbow flag up its official flagpole to celebrate Pride and got an earful from a conservative lawmaker. But apparently the Richmond Fed is a private operation so it was none of his business. Who knew?

And a corrections officer in SoCal asked if he could march in uniform in the West Hollywood Pride parade and was told no. Paging Gloria Allred! After the famed defense lawyer took up his cause the decision was reversed and the proud officer was free to parade to his heart’s content.

That’s enough for one week, don’t you think? We don’t want to sate our limited appetite for GLBT news in one gluttonous snarf, now do we? Better we pace ourselves.
--

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Vive La Difference

News for the Week Ended June 1, 2011
BY ANN ROSTOW


Vive La Difference

I warn you that this is not an exciting week in the world of GLBT news. Indeed I have spent two hours surfing and checking blogs and Google-newsing for “gay” and “DOMA” and what have you. All to no avail.

We have a gay prom king somewhere and, elsewhere, a trans prom queen (Yay). The President issued a gay pride proclamation (Thanks). A court in Texas says a transwoman cannot receive her late firefighter husband’s $600,000 death payment. That money will go to the man’s ex-wife or his kids thanks to my home state’s policy of simply ignoring gender reassignments (Bastards!).

Oh, and speaking of gender, how about the Canadian parents who have decided to keep the sex of their third child, Storm, a secret? When I first heard about the story, I thought they were going to try to raise Storm as an androgynous entity, liberated from stereotypes, which I thought was quite insane. We all condemn stereotyping, transphobia, and rigid roles. But is there something wrong with the simple fact of having a sex? I don’t think so!

For our community in particular, we have fought for decades for our right to our own gender identity and for our right to commit to same-gender relationships. Our sex, male or female (trans or at birth) is not just important to us; it’s intrinsic to our existence as a political class. Equally important is our gender style, if you want to call it that, our freedom to be masculine women or feminine men or whatever combination suits us. Thus to me, there seems to be no reason to keep the sex of your child a secret, but every reason to encourage your child to gravitate towards his or her spot on the axis of masculinity and femininity, regardless of his or her sex.

From what I read, however, I think that the parents are just going to let Storm grow out of infancy without any particular pressure. They seem fairly sane, so I assume that if little Storm turns out to be a typical boy or girl, then that will be that. I read that their other son is a bit of a non-conformist, who loves bright colors and used to like dresses, so I guess their experience with his unconventional style inspired them to give Storm a head start on gender bending if he or she was so inclined.

You know what really bugs me? The name “Storm.” It sounds like a porn name. I hope he or she is given the chance to pick another moniker around the age of 12.
--


Lions and Tigers and Bears

As I was saying, there’s a news dearth this week. Civil unions started in Illinois and we’re still six votes short of marriage equality in the New York senate. I’m sort of boycotting legislative news out of the Empire State based on the premise that if I don’t write about it, marriage equality will pass out of Albany. But if I belabor the story as I have in the past, the bill will be killed by last-minute stratagems. 

Some bad things happened at Moscow Pride. Oh, and I think the Memphis Grizzlies are going to keep the injured Rudy Gay on their roster. Get better soon, Rudy. Our community is rooting for you!

Well that’s that. So what shall we talk about if we don’t care about the gays? Here’s a very annoying development. I have half an eye on the women’s French Open quarterfinals on ESPN2. The commentators just announced the final score of Sharapova’s match against Petrovic. Then they carried on a ten-minute discussion about Sharapova’s game and how well she was playing. And now they’re showing the aforementioned match from start to finish even though we know exactly how it turns out. Lunkheads.

My afternoon is going from bad to worse now that the dog disconnected my damaged laptop, which only works when it’s plugged in. I lost two good paragraphs on a planned $172 million park in Kentucky which will feature a “life sized” Noah’s Ark complete with live animals. The owners will receive some $40 million in state tax incentives, which seems a little constitutionally suspect to me. And they claim that the park display will be able to “prove” that Noah had room for all the animals.

(Will there be pugs, I wonder? When I was a child, I used to say “aminals” instead of “animals” and it took me a long time to break the habit. To this day, I feel as if “aminals” should be a word.)

At any rate, how is it possible that in our own limited lifetimes we have taken so many steps back into the dark ages of religious superstition, creationism, and insisting on the literal truth of the Bible? For God’s sake, I went to the National Cathedral School for Girls as a child, had to go to chapel every day and cathedral every week and was forced to take Bible class. But even then, and there, I was taught that the stories in the Bible were allegorical. No one considered for a minute that Jonah was eaten by a whale or that all the beasts of the world politely lined up two-by-two and marched quietly into a giant ark.

And yet, here we are.
--


Show Us The Money

While we’re in Kentucky, I was pleased to read in the New York Times the other day that the two counties that have been unsuccessfully defending their right to display the Ten Commandments in public for many years now owe $456,881 to the ACLU, mostly for legal fees. The loser of a constitutional court battle has to pay the winner’s costs and fees, a policy that allows us all to defend our constitutional rights without fear of bankruptcy. At any rate, the two counties, McCreary and Pulaski, claim they have no idea where they’ll find the dough re mi.

The county’s expenses are not covered by their insurance policies, and after all, these two local governments pursued their Decalogue cases for no apparent civic advantage through thick and thin, not even stopping after a High Court defeat. Now, guess what? The check is sitting in the middle of the table, McCreary is staring at the ceiling and Pulaski says he forgot his wallet.

Here’s a question for my fellow Star Trek Next Generation fans. Why did Beverly leave the Enterprise and get replaced by Dr. Pulaski? And then, what happened to Pulaski and why did Beverly come back? I’m sure I could look this up myself.

I also wonder why we never hear anything more about the people who stay on the Enterprise at the end of their episodes. Like the warp scientist Marista Yale or the little alien boy who kidnapped Riker.
--


The Place For Politics

Moving right along, did you hear that Ed Schultz called Laura Ingraham a “right wing slut” and was suspended without pay from his MSNBC cable show for a week? I’m not crazy about Ed, but I thought his on air apology was solid. I mean, he really apologized. None of this mealy mouthed “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”

I’m an MSNBC addict, although as I’ve said before, Chris Matthews can be hard to take. The man is simplistic yet presents himself as some kind of political expert just because he worked for Tip O’Neill back in the day. Plus, he spits and sputters and won’t let anyone finish a thought.

Additionally, Matthews is running a “Lean Forward” commercial for his show where he stares into the camera and wonders pompously if and when one of the GOP candidates will just accept that Obama is “as Amurcan as I am.”

Chris? No one, not even the GOP candidates, is saying or implying that Obama is not an American. As for his birth certificate, which had nothing to do with citizenship per se, that subject has been closed for weeks and weeks. Is this really the only issue you can think of to draw an audience?

Speaking of presidential politics, I told you that Newt’s Tiffany bill would stick to him like glue on stamps, didn’t I? I’m currently torn between wanting to spend the next 18 months speculating on the 2012 election, and being disgusted with all this vastly premature punditry. Can we not accept that for now, none of us have the slightest idea who will wind up contesting Obama for the presidency?

No? OK! We know it’s not going to be Newt. But between now and Labor Day, anyone can stitch themselves into this crazy quilt. They don’t have to win Iowa. They just need to be in the top three with momentum. And while Newt got in trouble for calling Ryan’s budget “rightwing extremism,” that doesn’t mean that a GOP candidate must endorse the plan. On the contrary, the person who wins the nomination will be a candidate who praises Ryan, while claiming to have a different budget plan that will not destroy Medicare as we know it. (Ergo, it will not be Jon Huntsman, who jumped into bed with Ryan like a star-struck teenager.)

I’m guessing that no one who wants to run in 2016 will get into this arena. But there are a few opportunists who may see their chance in this current chaos. I bet that someone we can’t even imagine is out there right now with a phone in his ear, calling buddies and CEOs to sound them out.

As for the Tea Party, most of them are not fixed ideologues; they are Obama haters and will support the most electable man or woman in the field, specifically a deficit hawk who will not be brought down in the general election based on his or her views on Medicare.
--


Bin Laden’s Secret Gay Love!

Let’s go see if anything remotely interesting has developed in GLBT news over the last three hours. I’ll be right back.

Nothing new, but when I scrolled back in my email records, I discovered a salacious clip from blogactivist Michael Petrelis, who shared with us his copy of The Globe, and its revelations about Osama Bin Laden’s gay sex life!

Michael, we all thank you for letting us end this column with a bang rather than a whisper. And how on earth did I miss the May 30 tabloid, with its cover headline: “Government Insider Reveals: Bin Laden’s Secret Gay Life!”

According to the snippets on Michael’s blog, Petrelis Files, Bin Laden fell in love with that courier guy back when they were hiding out from American forces in caves. The two lovers stayed together for the next ten years (unnamed CIA sources suspected) and of course we know that the courier died defending the scruffy terrorist against Navy Seals.

It’s unclear how Bin Laden also managed to have five wives and at least twenty children, but other Globe sources speculated that the mass murderer might have been attempting to cover up his shameful secret.

Look, many of us tried to appear straight back before summoning the courage to come out of the closet. But five wives and twenty kids? That’s quite the cover. Still, we might expect an elaborate charade from such a devious villain, n’est-ce pas?

Bin Laden’s (alleged) sexual orientation was (reportedly) known by government insiders as far back as the 1980s, when Bin Laden and his cronies were fighting the USSR in Afghanistan (with our help).  An “aide” in the Reagan Administration recalled having dinner with the young freedom fighter in Houston back in 1987.

Clean cut, in khakis and a polo sweater, Bin Laden was negotiating for some Stinger anti-aircraft missiles. At the table, the mystery aide said Bin Laden’s leg touched his own a few times, leading him to suspect that the man was making a pass. His suspicions were confirmed when Bin Laden licked his lips and fluttered his eyelashes. (!)

The aide did not succumb to Bin Laden’s charms. But he did give Bin Laden cab fare to hit a bar that Bin Laden called “Ripcord.” Indeed, Michael confirms that The Ripcord Club has been a favorite Houston leather bar for the last 25 years.

Hey. I’m convinced! Although I prefer the heroes be gay and the evildoers be straight. I really wish that one or more of those Navy Seals were gay and would come out of the closet. That might shut up a few House conservatives, don’t you think?