Can You Pray Away the Gay? Maybe so, but who cares?

Can You Pray Away the Gay?
Maybe so, but who cares?
BY ANN ROSTOW


The question of whether sexual orientation is innate or under the control of the individual hits us both in the arena of law and on the battlefield of social debate. In our court challenges to the Defense of Marriage Act, lawyer Paul Clement and our adversaries argue that, unlike race or gender, sexual orientation is a personal choice that does not warrant special protection against prejudice. And the religious right has long pushed the notion that you can pray away the gay through faith and discipline.

All the scientists in the world, and all the gay pandas, lesbian albatrosses and bisexual monkeys can’t resolve this dilemma to anyone’s satisfaction. But the answer, actually, is right in front of us. Not only that, but people on both sides ignore that answer because it’s slightly more complicated than the black or white certainty everyone insists is true.

The answer is that no, you can’t change your sexual orientation. But yes, you can certainly decide not to act on it. Further, you can even act on the opposite sexual orientation if you put your mind to it.

Think about it. If you were in a prison camp and ordered to perform heterosexual sex on pain of death, you could do it. Well, you could at least do something sexual. Likewise, if you decided—for whatever insane reason—to turn your back on your gay self no matter what it took, you could do that too.

In theory, we human beings can do most anything. We could eat nothing but eggs and bacon for the rest of our, arguably short, lives. We could refuse to bathe or wear socks. We could learn sign language and pledge never to say another word.

Anything’s possible, and likewise, it’s possible to ignore one’s sexual orientation and act on its opposite. Straight people can do this too. Why not?

It’s therefore not surprising to see various characters pop out of the woodwork claiming to have changed their sexual orientation with God’s help.

It’s also not surprising that there are numerous gay men and women who have determined that their homosexuality is something to be prayed away if possible. They may have been raised in a strict religious environment. They may be insecure, immature or just nuts. But let’s just say that if someone wants to change their sexual orientation that badly, they can find a way to make it happen. At least for awhile.

Eventually most of these people abandon their efforts, much like former Love in Action head John Smid recently became the latest ex-gay poster boy to admit that sexual orientation is fixed, even if one’s behavior can be altered through discipline. You can indeed fit a square peg into a round hole, but in the process, you damage the peg.

This brings up the larger question of whether, in the words of the late Frank Kameny, “gay is good.” Alcoholism might be genetic, and alcoholics who give up liquor then spend their whole lives in a struggle to resist the siren call of a drink. We applaud this will power because alcohol destroys lives. But what of those who say homosexuality is a sin?

And here’s the thing. The question of whether or not homosexuality is perverse or sinful is the real question we continue to debate with those on the conservative right. They’re wrong, obviously. But this is the only relevant issue. The fight over whether sexual orientation is innate is a red herring.

As such, our efforts to insist that sexual orientation is genetic, and their insistence that it’s a “lifestyle choice,” are both beside the point. The discussion is useless. If someone proved that being gay is innate, that would make no difference to those who see homosexuality, like alcoholism, as wrong. Likewise, if we can change our gay behavior through a sustained and destructive exercise in self control, so what? That makes no difference to those who see homosexuality as a natural characteristic to be embraced.

Over in the courtrooms, the question is just as irrelevant and yet we continue to contest the issue with our equally obsessed legal foes.

It’s essential for our side to prove that sexual orientation should be a protected class under constitutional law, like race, national origin, gender and religion. A protected class, in turn, is defined as a group that has historically suffered discrimination for a feature that has no bearing on their ability to contribute to society.

The definition of a protected class has two other prongs that are considered significant, but not absolutely necessary. One is a lack of political power. The other is the notion that the class is defined by a feature that is innate.

Religious groups are protected even though you can adopt a new faith at any time. So innateness is not required for legal protection. Nonetheless, the courts believe that one should not be obliged to change one’s faith in order to avoid discrimination. Likewise, sexual orientation is a profound and inextricable aspect of individual makeup. Even if you could change your sexual orientation through some kind of superhuman effort, our advocates insist that forcing Americans to change their orientation in order to avoid systemic discrimination is, or should be, unconstitutional.

Again, as much as we argue about scientific studies and finger lengths and prenatal hormones or whatever, the question is moot. Even if sexual orientation is not innate (which few of us believe) it is an aspect of our life, like religion, which we should not be forced to change in order to fit into the round holes of social and legal norms.

Here’s the bottom line. It doesn’t matter whether sexual orientation is fixed at birth or subject to will power. There may be a gene for serial killers, but we still disapprove of mass murder. You might be able to control your sexual drive and ignore your romantic feelings, but no one should force you to do so.

The only question that counts is whether there is something morally wrong with being gay or lesbian. That’s it. That’s the whole ball of wax. As for the origin of sexual orientation, it’s interesting. But it’s a sideshow.