Snakes In A Cash Machine!

Week In Review
November 30, 2011
BY ANN ROSTOW


Snakes In A Cash Machine!

I was reading an article about an antigay law about to be enacted in Nigeria, when I noticed a link to a headline that read: “Snake Slithers out of ATM.” Talk about the stuff of nightmares. According to Euro Weekly News, the serpent emerged from a cash machine in Liodio, Alava, Spain. A man using the ATM on his way to work managed to grab his money and call authorities, who rescued the reptile and sent it to an animal hospital. Sounds like the snake made it, in case you care about things like that.

I had a sexist reaction to the story, instantly thinking that it was a good thing that a man rather than a woman had to deal with the repellant incident. I suppose it’s nothing more than a trite gender stereotype, but really. Ladies? Would you have taken the money? Or would you have backed away and started screaming? I know how I would have handled the situation, and it would not have been a pretty sight.

And no, I don’t want to hear about all the wonderful characteristics of snakes. I’m sure they’re delightful creatures once you get to know them, much like tarantulas and large rodents.

In Nigeria, while we’re at it, a bill is pending to outlaw homosexual unions and criminalize anyone who “abets” gay couples. When I first heard the story, I understood it to be a ban on legal marriage, which was strange since Nigeria has long outlawed sodomy. But actually, it’s a ban on gay relationships in general. Not only is it illegal to have gay sex in Nigeria, but as far as I can tell, it will soon be illegal to live together or be a couple. Plus, there’s the whole abetting clause that results in a ten-year prison sentence for anyone who aids or abets a gay union, whatever that might entail.

So much for Nigeria’s fag hags. Watch out sisters!

The legislation was a deliberate slap at British Prime Minister David Cameron, who said last month that his government would consider withholding foreign aid to countries that persecute others based on faith or sexuality. Well, that covers most of the African continent, where conservative leaders condemned Cameron as a neo-Colonial meddler.

Hey guys. Just don’t take the money. Can you imagine if every major nation refused aid to countries with criminal laws against gay men and women? It would be nice, but that would not solve the core problem in places like Nigeria and Uganda, namely the depth and strength of the gay hatred that saturates their societies.

While we’re at it, I might as well tell you about a proposed law in Saint Petersburg that would fine citizens for any “public acts” that promote homosexuality. When our State Department criticized the legislation, a Russian diplomat accused the U.S. of inappropriately interfering in his country’s local politics.
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Bye Bye Barney

You heard of course that our irascible Congressional champion, Barney Frank, is retiring at the end of this term. Frank, facing a redrawn district and fed up with the stalemate of GOP rule in the lower chamber, decided enough was enough. And at 71, with something like 30 years of lawmaking under his belt, I think the man deserves a break.

Unless some other gay candidate wins a House seat next year, Frank’s departure will leave us with Colorado’s Jared Polis and Rhode Island’s David Cicilline as our only gay members. Wisconsin’s Tammy Baldwin is running for Senate, so maybe she’ll be able to claim a place in history as the first openly GLBT Senator. But if not, she’ll be out of government for now.

We’re not the only ones with low representation on Capitol Hill. Women, Blacks and minorities in general all suffer from the same syndrome, and I suppose only time—decades of it—will raise our collective profiles. Meanwhile, we just have to hope that our white male allies stick with us as we slowly erode their massive demographic majority.

You never know. Maybe a sitting lawmaker will pop out of the closet.
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Unfriendly Skies

It’s a slow GLBT news week. I was very close to writing a lengthy segment on an effort by nitpicking conservatives in New York to convince a judge that the state’s marriage equality law should be reversed because Governor Cuomo may have violated an open meetings law by getting together with GOP lawmakers behind closed doors. It’s not going to happen.

Then, there’s an appellate ruling out of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in a lawsuit against the City of New York’s (alleged) sting operation against gay porn patrons. Don’t want to go there. Plus, it’s a side ruling regarding immunity. The main case continues.

And speaking of legal issues that are going nowhere, the Ninth Circuit will soon hear oral arguments on whether Judge Vaughn Walker should have recused himself from the Prop 8 case because he was in a gay relationship. A lower court said no, and the Ninth Circuit will certainly agree.

The yawn factor gapes. It’s also me, personally. I can’t even get excited about the United Airlines staffer in Denver who called two guys “faggots” during an argument about whether they could use the VIP room, or whatever it’s called.

I assume the rude employee will receive his just deserts. (Note to editor: the correct spelling of the expression “just deserts” only has one “s,” not two.) Also, why would anyone want to spend airport time in the stupid VIP lounge anyway? There are really interesting stores, bars and restaurants in airports these days, so why sit around in a boring room with a few couches and some magazines? It’s not as if they have free drinks, cigarette girls or dangerous looking men arranging lines of cocaine on the counter. Now that would be worth a surcharge.
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Republicans Mainlining Crazy Juice

In lieu of actual GLBT news, let’s dip our toes into the colorful sludge of the GOP primary race, where to widespread astonishment, Newt and Calista are now the front runners for the nomination.

It seems like yesterday I was ridiculing the chubby megalomaniac for sipping Cava at a bar next door to a suburban Tiffany’s, while Calista browsed for bling. One would think that Calista would steer clear of robin’s egg blue for the duration of the campaign given the lingering odor of “to hell with poor people” that still surrounds the Gingrichs’ half million-dollar line of Tiffany credit. But no. If their extravagance knows no bounds, it also knows no shame.

At the time, the Gingrich campaign was nothing more than a vanity tour, an excuse for Newt to strut the political stage, full of sound and fury, signifying that, as we already knew, the man’s a pompous fool. Now, I have only one question: What the hell happened?

Look, no one’s surprised that Herman Cain’s rise was followed by Herman Cain’s fall. I don’t think we expected so many sex scandals, but we did expect something to bring him down. Had he been a model husband, his rambling incoherence would have eventually eroded his support.

I suppose I thought that Perry would have eventually picked up those former Cain votes. Who knew why people liked Cain in the first place? The man was a moron, so it’s not as if people liked his positions. It seemed as if they liked his folksy style, right? So why not switch to another folksy moron like Rick Perry?

But Gingrich? Gingrich? Newt Gingrich? A thrice-married holier-than-thou mean-spirited self-indulgent crackpot with an ego the size of a Brontosaurus and a heart the size of a bedbug? This is the man who inherited the votes of the jovial Herman Cain? How? Why?

I loathe the very sight of this man, larded with complacency and bursting with self congratulation at every opportunity. The notion that Gingrich, with his bombastic historical pronouncements and disdainful political rhetoric, is some kind of “intellectual” or “genius” is ludicrous. What are they smoking over there in the GOP electorate? Have they been spending their time at my fantasy VIP airport lounge?

I guess I should be pleased at Newt’s rise to the top, given that I want Obama to win a second term. But it’s still disturbing. Who are these people, my fellow Americans, who would align themselves, first with Cain, then with Newt? I’m a good Democrat, and disagree with Republicans on the usual range of policy issues. I opposed Dole, Bush and McCain. But at least I understood why those on the other side of the aisle would nominate those men as their standard bearers.

As for Sarah Palin, once McCain made what was clearly an ill-conceived choice, Republicans had to go along. But if Republicans deliberately nominate Newt Gingrich, they will cross a line of political sanity and descend into dark waters indeed. I have to assume that when all is said and done, Romney or Huntsman will emerge victorious. That said, it’s not clear at this point how we’ll get from here to there. And I say “we” rather than “they” because a presidential nominee is in some ways an American issue regardless of party.
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Something Will Kill You Someday

I just heard that apple juice has arsenic in it. Now that I think about it, it seems as if legal rations of things like arsenic and rat droppings are present in trace amounts in all sorts of comestibles, doesn’t it?

At some point, you just have to stop listening and stop reading. Cell phones give you brain cancer. Coffee saves you from liver cancer. Snoring leads to strokes. Apple juice has arsenic. Spinach has e-coli. The shopping cart has germs. My advice is to ignore the entire platter of health news with the exception of those pleasant surprises where you learn that something you already like or do turns out to be good for you. Drinking wine and getting eight hours of sleep are on my, relatively short, list. Oh, and dark chocolate.
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So Sad

I see now that my space is running out, and I haven’t covered the limited amount of GLBT news on my list. But I can be forgiven here. Civil union couples in Illinois can file joint state taxes. Bisexual softball players are allowed to play in the gay softball league. People are making comments about stuff we’ve already covered and will continue to cover, like say, the effort to pass an antigay amendment in New Hampshire.

There’s also some violence, which depresses us all. And who needs that during the holidays! The governor of Massachusetts signed the trans rights bill that we wrote about last week or maybe the week before. So that’s good, but it’s not earth shattering. You get the picture. .

It’s the start of the Slow Season in GLBT news, a month-long period where the headlines turn from marriage equality legislation and gay soldiers to “Gay Man Denied Job as Elf” or “Brooklyn Lesbians Answer Children’s Letters to Santa.” Actually, we’ll probably have some news on our various DOMA cases in the next few weeks, so all is not lost. Speaking of gay soldiers, the Marine Commandant said that the repeal of Don’t Ask is going well, and while I got five emails on this exciting development, it was a non-story to me.

Meanwhile, I have recorded a half dozen episodes of my new favorite reality TV show, “Kitchen Nightmares,” which feature Chef Gordon Ramsey going around to horrible restaurants and transforming them into delightful eateries through insane ranting followed by compassionate encouragement.

I’ve already watched many of the shows, so I now find it hard to eat at a restaurant without hearing Ramsey’s voice in my ear. When some poor schmuck asks me how “everything tastes,” I have the urge to say, “it’s bland I’m afraid. Bland and mushy. Was it in a microwave?” After the shocked waiter leaves, I’d look at Mel, and simply say: “Sad.”
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Ann’s column appears every week at sfbaytimes.com. She can be reached at arostow@aol.com