Annual News Quiz

 

It’s that time again, Dear Readers. Time to take a short stroll down memory lane and revisit the idiosyncratic bits of flotsam and jetsam that wash ashore amidst the waves of our serious and important LGBT legal and political news coverage.

Last year, conservative majorities in the New Hampshire legislature unexpectedly refused to repeal the Granite State’s marriage equality law. Fine, fine, fine. But which gay icon had an asteroid named after him? Frank Kameny, of course!

In a historic leap of progress, we legalized marriage in Washington, Maine and Maryland. Three cheers for us. But do you remember the name of the woman who lay dead for a week in her London house while her husband did drugs in the next room? It was Eva Rousing and I forget the exact details.

We won an anti-bullying consent decree against the Anoka-Hennepin school district in Minnesota. The EEOC determined that trans-bias was officially covered under Title VII’s workplace discrimination language. The Supreme Court accepted two major gay rights cases for the coming term. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how about those TSA pranksters who taped a dildo to two gay guys’ luggage and covered it with lube? And did you hear that famed chewy candies, “Mike and Ike,” officially got divorced?  They seemed so happy.

I think you understand our priorities. So, without further introduction, let’s proceed to our annual news quiz. Good luck, everyone.

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1.Three of the following reported hate crimes were fabrications. Which one actually happened? a) Joseph Baken of Missoula, Montana, was beaten up outside a gay bar, b) Charlie Rogers, a Nebraska basketball player, was overpowered and slurs were carved into her body, c) In Roanoke, Jordan Addison’s car was vandalized with antigay scratches, d) Gay Republican, Kyle Wood, was assaulted by gay Democrats for his work on a GOP campaign.

 

2.Which of these animals is openly gay? a) Winkleman, the squirrel who can paint holding a brush in his mouth, b) Leonard, a celebrity pug who lives in Tiberon, c) Tank, the Pomeranian who fell off a boat into the Chicago river but miraculously wound up at a city intersection, d) Romeo, a swan who lives in the Boston Public Gardens, e) Inca, a penguin living at the Madrid zoo.

 

3.What’s my line? Match the name with the confession: a) I thought the guy sitting next to me on the bus was an alien, so I killed him and cut off his head with a knife, b) I ran naked down McArthur Boulevard in Miami, beat up a homeless man and chewed off part of his face, c) I was captured while googling myself in a Berlin coffee shop and arrested for dismembering a student in Montreal and mailing parts of his body to Canadian politicians, d) When my 12 year old son lost the sixth grade championship basketball game, I attacked the other coach and bit off his ear, e) I bit the nose off another inmate because he was gay.

Is my name: Timothy Forbes? Luka Rocco Magnota? Vince Li? Timothy Schwartz? Rudy Eugene?

 

4.Which state decided to let school children select the official “State Insect?” Hint: almost all our states have butterflies or ladybugs or bees as their official insects. This state, by contrast, is represented by the “tarantula hawk wasp,” a venomous flying hornet that lays its eggs on a paralyzed tarantula so the baby wasps can feed off the living spider when they hatch.

 

5.Who said that? Match the quotes to six of the following twelve names.

a“Tu eras maricon”

b“I didn’t know you had families.”

c“Fucker!”

d“Ain’t no homo gonna make it to heaven.”

e“Do you think Callista’s (Gingrich) hair snaps on?”

f“If you do it (gay sex) you must know that you are wrong and it is rotten.”

Jason Alexander, the King of the Zulus, Manny Pacquiano, Brad Pitt’s mother, Dahrun Ravi, Tripp Palin, Ric Grenell, a toddler in an Indiana church, Mitt Romney, Yanel Escobat, Aaron Schock, Alan Chambers.

 

6.Which of these countries legalized same-sex marriage in 2012? a) Denmark, b) France, c) Tasmania, d) Australia, e) New Zealand, f) Israel, g) Taiwan, h) Argentina.

 

7.Who’s gay and who’s not? a) Gillian Anderson, b) Honey Boo, c) John Travolta, d) the Green Lantern, e) Kristy McNichol.

 

8.Who wins the 2012 award for Straight People Behaving Badly in our Columns? a) The professional tennis umpire who killed her 80-year-old husband with a coffee mug, b) The Florida man who severely beat his mother at the dinner table for using his taco sauce, c) Lisa Biron, the conservative Christian New Hampshire lawyer accused of transporting a teenaged girl to Canada and forcing her to have sex with some guy on video, d) The 67-year-old man who called 911 a dozen times to get a lift to the liquor store, e) The day care workers who organized “toddler fights” and recorded the events on their iphones, f) Lynn Evenchik, the straight travel agent who tried to initiate a class action lawsuit against Avis for offering discounts to a GLBT travel group.

 

9.Either/Or:

a, Which Catholic priest accidentally screened gay porn to the parents in his First Communion class? Was it Father Marcel Guarnizo, or Father Martin McVeigh?

b, Which political leader left his daughter at a bar? Was it David Cameron, or Silvio Berlusconi?

c, Which sociologist recanted his antigay research? Was it Robert Spitzer, or Mark Regenerus?

d, Which high-level (theoretically heterosexual) power woman was caught in a lesbian scandal? Was it Florida Lt. Governor Jennifer Carroll, or Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director Suzanne Barr?

e. Which word means “duck fat?” Is it schmaltz, or shrift?

 

10.How will the Supreme Court handle the two gay rights cases next June? a) They will strike the Defense of Marriage Act using the rational basis test and uphold the Ninth Circuit’s reasoning on Prop 8, b) They will deny standing to the Prop 8 organizers and strike DOMA using heightened scrutiny, c) They will deny standing to the Prop 8 organizers and also deny standing to the House Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group, but will acknowledge the Justice Department and strike DOMA in a vaguely worded decision d) They will restore Prop 8 and uphold DOMA using the rational basis test, e) They will issue multiple opinions on all aspects of both cases, creating a murky senseless hodgepodge, f) They will find that gay couples have a constitutional right to marriage in a 6-3 decision authored by Roberts, g) They will produce a different variation on the above combinations.

 

Answers:

1: The answer is c), Jordan Addison. When Addison couldn’t afford repairs, several local businesses fixed his car for free. Joseph Baken was caught on video trying to replicate a Gabby Douglas backflip while drunk as a skunk. He subsequently blamed his head injuries on a gay bashing. Charlie turned out to be a nutcase, as did Kyle to a lesser extent.

2: The gay animals are b) d) and e), Leonard, Romeo and Inca. Winkleman and Tank have never commented on their sexual orientation, but Leonard, who belongs to Robin Williams, is openly gay. Romeo is in a long term relationship with her partner, Juliet. Inca and his partner, Rayas, recently adopted an egg.

3: a) Vince Li, b) Rudy Eugene, c) Luka Rocco Magnotta, d) Timothy Forbes, e) Timothy Schwartz.

4: It’s New Mexico, aka the Land of Enchantment. What if all policy decisions were based on a statewide vote by public school students? We might not be better off, but things could get more interesting.

5: a) Toronto Blue Jay, Yanel Escobat, who actually wrote it under his eyes, b) Mitt Romney, in a 2004 comment to the plaintiffs in the Massachusetts marriage case that came to light this year, c) Tripp Palin, age 3, to his Aunt Willow who refused to let him go swimming, d) The four-year-old at an Indiana church, who sang an antigay song to laughter and applause, e) Former gay Romney advisor Ric Grenell, who eventually resigned, f) The King of the Zulus, during an anniversary celebration of the 1879 victory against the British at the battle of Isandlwana.

For the record, Jason Alexander said cricket was a “gay sport,” Manny Pacquiano said same-sex marriage was against God’s law, and Brad Pitt’s mother wrote an antigay letter to an editor. Dahrun Ravi was sentenced to jail time for his role in the 2010 suicide of Tyler Clementi, Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock triggered gaydars around the country when he wore a pink shirt, white pants and a teal belt to a White House picnic, and Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus International, acknowledged that he still felt attracted to men.

6: It’s a), Denmark. France continues to debate the subject. Tasmania and Australia voted against marriage equality. New Zealand marriage equality passed an initial vote and might be legalized next year. Israel agreed to a gay divorce and recognizes marriage from elsewhere. Taiwan does not recognize marriage equality but a gay couple “married” in a ceremony last May. Argentina legalized marriage in 2010.

7: The correct response is e). Only Kristy, the star of “Family,” is officially gay. Gillian has had a few lesbian “flings.” Honey Boo is only seven or eight, but her Uncle Poodle is gay and likes to go “wallowing” with his husband. Travolta, well what can we say?  The Green Lantern is straight, but another Green Lantern who lives on a parallel Earth is gay, so you get partial credit for d) if you honestly picked the parallel Green Lantern rather than the regular Green Lantern.

8: The answer is c). I think we have to give the prize to Lisa, don’t you?

9: a) Martin McVeigh of Pomeroy, Ireland. Father Guarnizo was the guy who denied communion to a lesbian at her mother’s funeral in Maryland. b) David Cameron, who thought the child was in another car with his wife. c) Spitzer apologized for his 2001 work on reparative therapy. Regenerus stands by his study that compares the children of broken homes with a gay parent unfavorably to intact straight households. d) Oh My God. Jennifer Carroll was (allegedly) caught in the act having sex on her desk with a female aide. Suzanne Barr was forced to resign after (allegedly) sexually harassing various male subordinates. e) Schmaltz means duck fat. Shrift is priest-ordered penance after a confession/

10: g) One can never predict the Supreme Court, ergo it’s unlikely that anything I can think of will actually transpire.

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