The 2011 Annual GLBT “News” Quiz

The 2011 Annual GLBT “News” Quiz

BY ANN ROSTOW

It’s that time of year again, the time of year we look back fondly on the exciting ups and downs of our community roller coaster ride to full equality and universal respect. But how closely were you following the whacky world of gay and lesbian civil rights and wrongs? Our test will reveal your diligence, or lack thereof.

As always, it was hard to isolate the most important areas for examination. The year was full of mean business people, trying to undermine our wedding days. We had the New Jersey store that refused to sell us a wedding dress, the nasty New York clerk who wouldn’t issue our marriage license, the country inn wouldn’t host the ceremony and the Iowa bakery that declined to bake our cake. The list went on.

Then, there were the harassers. Thumbs down for the guard at the Minnesota Twins ballpark, who scolded us for kissing. To hell with the Safeway clerk who used the “F” word, and the Macy’s saleswoman who wouldn’t let us use the ladies fitting room. Boos and hisses to the rude waiter at the Sizzler, the obnoxious staffer at Dollyworld, and the swimming pool manager who evicted us for touching. And let’s not forget a sneer for the security guy at the San Francisco museum who told us to stop holding hands…at a Gertrude Stein exhibit.

So, how about our naughty, and dumb, straight politicians? Who can forget the Puerto Rican senator who sent a shot of his rear end out on Grindr because he had been “dieting” and wanted to show off his new physique? How about Phillip Hinkle, the married Indiana state rep who hustled a teenager off Craigslist for a hotel tryst, using his own name? Then there was Chris Myers, the mayor of Medford, New Jersey, who promised money to a rent boy during a business trip and never followed through. The rent boy went public.

Finally, I would like to raise a glass to a few people who didn’t make it into our quiz, but deserve a nod nonetheless. Let’s toast the woman who fought the state of South Carolina for the right to dangle plastic testicles from her bumper. Let’s cheer the New York teachers, who explained that they were lying half dressed in a classroom during an evening event because one of them diabetic and they were looking for candy. And bravo for the man won the right to pose for his Austrian driving license while wearing a kitchen strainer as religious headgear, in tribute to the Flying Spaghetti Monster god. Finally, God love those teenage girls, who invented the technique of soaking tampons in vodka to avoid being caught with alcohol on their breath.

Now, without further introduction, here’s our quiz!

1.Chris Birch was noteworthy for:

a)a) Hitting his ex-lover with his car while texting: “Ha ha!”

b)b) Turning from straight to gay after breaking his neck with a back flip and recovering from a coma.

c)c) Killing his roommate after overdosing on Mucinex DM

d)d) Losing his high school teaching job after authorities discovered his past as a porn star.

2.Which of the following rumors was reported in the press last year?

a)a) Richard Nixon slept with H.R. Haldeman in the Lincoln bedroom.

b)b) Gandhi had a sex session with several legal associates on a train trip to Calcutta.

c)c) Osama Bin Laden asked a CIA agent how to get to Ripcord, a gay bar in Houston.

d)d) Rick Perry spent a suspicious weekend alone in a mountain cabin with Dallas Cowboy quarterback Troy Aikman.

3.“Elton and David” were:

a)a) Love sick monkeys who received Valentine treats from their keepers last February.

b)b) Penguins in the Toronto zoo who were forced to go straight to help save their sub-species.

c)c) Deep sea squid who were observed inseminating each other because it was too dark to discern gender.

d)d) Gay cavemen unearthed and nicknamed by archeologists in Prague who determined their sexual orientation through analyzing burial rituals.

4.Find the false statement:

a)a) Hawaii, Delaware, Illinois and Rhode Island all passed civil union laws last year.

b)b) Legal activists are suing to block a Tennessee law that bans local gay rights ordinances.

c)c) Gay leaders in Maryland were blamed for bungling the effort to pass marriage equality, which was set to pass before being pulled off the floor at the last minute due to a shortage of votes.

d)d) Michigan lawmakers voted to outlaw domestic partner benefits for all state employees.

5.Historians will say that the high point of 2011 for GLBT rights was:

a)a) Passage of marriage rights in New York in June.

b)b) Obama’s decision to treat sexual orientation as a protected class in litigating gay legal issues in February.

c)c) The official end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in September.

d)d) The State Department’s decision to tie U.S. foreign policy to respect for GLBT rights, announced by Hillary Clinton in December.

6.Rick Santorum told a crowd in Iowa that:

a)a) Gays saying they’re married is like saying a paper towel is a paper napkin. It doesn’t make it so.

b)b) Paintings of women in Tahiti by Gaugin give him the creeps.

c)c) Gay marriages are like belly putters. They just don’t seem right.

d)d) He had a gay friend once, but he couldn’t stand the sound he made when he chewed.

7.A Southwest airline pilot was accused of:

a)a) Talking trash about gay flight attendants over the traffic control airwaves.

b)b) Having a fight with French actor Gerard Depardieu, who peed in the aisle.

c)c) Telling “The L Word” actress, Leisha Hailey, to stop kissing her girlfriend.

d)d) Using the “F” word to two men who insisted on free drinks.

8.The “Top Chef” award for last year goes to:

a)a) Zambian natives who eat dead mice as appetizers, and use the dried tails to stir their cocktails.

b)b) The folks in Columbus, Missouri, who sold ice cream made of chocolate and dead locusts from their back yards.

c)c) The Russian cannibal who butchered a man in his tub and made sausages and meatballs from his torso.

d)d) The Indiana grocery store clerk who ejaculated into the free yogurt samples.

9.Notable federal appellate court victories last year included which of the following?

a)a) A 7^th Circuit ruling in favor of Walmart, who fired a homophobic employee.

b)b) An 11^th Circuit ruling in favor of a Georgia transwoman, who was fired for transitioning on the job.

c)c) A 9^th Circuit ruling in favor of Arizona gay state employees, who lost benefits in a so-called “cost cutting” move.

d)d) A 5^th Circuit ruling in favor of two men who required a revised birth certificate for their adopted son.

10.Which of the following facts from last year’s columns is inaccurate?

a)a) One out of every 200 men alive today is related to Ghengis Kahn.

b)b) Wisconsin governor Scott Walker once worked as a farrier.

c)c) Flamingos carry a small amount of pink dye for feather touchups in a little sac near their anuses.

d)d) Lesbians earn 6 percent more than their straight sisters.

Answers:

1.b) Chris, who dropped weight and became a hairdresser after the accident, is not to be confused with stalker Craig Munro of Ipswich, a Brisbane suburb, who nailed his ex in a parking lot. The Mucinex killer was Michael Anderson of Hickory, North Carolina, and I forget the name of the Florida porn entrepreneur who lost his public school job when his XXX background came to light.

2.c) Actually, it was a “Reagan aide” who was having dinner with the late terrorist, not a CIA agent. As for Nixon, he allegedly had something going with mob banker Bebe Rebozo, while a Gandhi bio was condemned for implying that the iconic civil rights leader did, um, something bad. I made up the bit about Perry and Aikman. Although, you never know.

3.a) These spider monkeys live in Staffordshire, I think. The Toronto penguins were named Pedro and Buddy. The omnisexual squid never had names that we knew of. And there was only one gay caveman, not two.

4.d) Michigan’s law did not apply to all state government or university employees, just every city and county public worker as well as teachers. All the other examples are factual.

5.b) Absolutely, no contest. This list goes to show that it was a pretty incredible year. But people still underestimate the power of having the federal government essentially announce that it will back GLB rights in every constitutional case, period. This decision will be a turning point in GLBT history for sure.

6.a) Maybe it was vice versa with the napkins and towels. There was a woman who attacked a Gauguin painting in homophobic fury. Donald Trump made the comment about the belly putter. And I read a Science Times article that said some people hate chewing noises.

7.a) I think he had to apologize. Depardieu peed during a City Jet flight from Paris to Dublin. Leisha Hailey and her GF were told that Southwest is a “family” airline and proceeded to have a justifiable fit. And two guys were called fags by a United staffer who wouldn’t let them in the VIP lounge.

8.d) I think you have to give it to the grocery clerk, but I suppose any answer can be considered correct.

9.a)b)c) The full 5th Circuit ruled against us in the birth certificate case and the Supreme Court refused to take review. The three victories are a few of many excellent state and federal court decisions in our favor last year.

10.b) It was actually Rhode Island governor Lincoln Chafee who once worked as a farrier. Interesting. Sort of. It’s a blacksmith, Silly. Don’t you love the flamingo sac concept?